I woke up this morning in total panic, fear and anxiety! I cried for a good hour, compared myself to my friends who are much further in their filmmaking career than I am and then cried some more.
The truth is I’ve been waking up that way for the past week or so, but this morning was crippling. Usually I can’t wait to get on the computer, check email, respond to email and work, but the computer turned into the devil, and I couldn’t touch it. So I forced myself to just write. Verbally vomit up everything I was feeling. Then I got on the phone and called and called friends till someone answered. In between crying and nonsensical ramblings of self pity my friend stayed on the phone with me till I got out the house and went for a walk. Then another friend called and got me to walk and meet for breakfast. I decided I was gonna take the day off from worrying about the film and my location and my crew and how I was going to make this film all come together in time for our July 10th shoot. Bit by bit I was able to check email on the phone, and deal with stuff. By the time I got home I was able to do some work and then celebrated that evening with friends a huge personal accomplishment totally unrelated to film. That celebration helped me to remember all the things I’m grateful for, friends, healing and growth.
Now I’m about to go to bed and I’m going to treat myself to watching a good film! Tomorrow I will tackle what I’ve been in fear of- I’m going to find myself a dope ass crew for my film. I’m going to find a costume designer, a make-up person, a DP. The major difference is that I’ve been trying to find all these missing parts of the puzzle with total fear and anxiety, now I’m approaching it with the “I CAN” attitude. I don’t know how its going to happen but I will find the perfect location, and the perfect crew so that I can bring my script and story to life. Thank you for great actresses, thank you for great friends, thank you for my body and mind working, a place to live, a funny and supportive roommate, a wonderful family, my iphone, my computer, did I say my friends, yes thanks to them again. Each thing I list that I’m grateful for makes me feel better and better, and the crying, self pitying tchaiko starts to disappear. I CAN I CAN I CAN.